One less angel
by PerfectDreamWithHim
Summary: Losing your best friend is the hardest thing. Dougie's POV


I woke in the middle of the night, screaming. It's nothing new. I've been doing that the last few months. I prayed that the guys didn't hear me. They think that I'm dealing with it, but I'm not. I'm a mess.. how can I keep on living? Living without my best friend.

He was the heart of McFly. I never realized just how important he was to me. How he and only he could make me smile when I was upset. I still can see him smile like he does on our posters. I still can hear him laughing down the hall..

He's everywhere I go and yet he's not. And I know that I keep hurting myself by believing. Believing that one day he will be standing in the doorway, saying it was a joke. I know it's not going to happen but I have faith.

I still remember the day I've met him, 5 years ago. He was like a sunbeam. Just by looking at him he warmed my insides. We had so much fun that day. We were fooling around and teasing the other guys and soon it became a habit. Meeting him was probably the happiest day of my life.. He changed me for the better. He made me who I am now. But am I still this person without him?

I think not.

If only there was a cure for grieve. Just a simple poison or a pill I could take to make the pain go away. Because it's always there, no matter what I do he's always on my mind.

The guys see me smiling through the day but they can't seem to see that it is fake. That's a skill only he had. He knew me through. He could always see when I was faking a smile..

I remember howI used to make him laugh just by being random. I told these lame jokes and he was always laughing like it was the funniest thing on earth. And now when I try to tell a joke, no one is laughing..

Every day again I feel his absence. It's not the same without him. The guys, they try to 'replace' him by taking over some of his personality but no matter how hard they try, they are never going to get even close to being him. Because you know, he was unique. There was only one of him walking this earth and now.. now there is none.

I miss him and instead of it fading away it seems to grow by each passing day. I search everywhere for a sign of him but I get disappointed, time and time again.

And everywhere I look there are pictures of him. In the magazines, the newspapers, on billboards,.. Even after 4 months the world hadn't forgotten about him. But this pain when I see his face.. it's unbearable. It's like someone stabs me in the heart, again and again.

I wish I felt numb then I couldn't feel this pain or that it would dry up like my tears. I've cried so hard and so much, I think I can never cry again.

Honestly, I can't even believe it's been 4 months since that day. The day those masked men broke into our house and shot him. All they did was shooting him and then they took off. And that one bullet was in his head..

I saw him first, lying there on the ground with his eyes wide open. They looked so scared. And there was so much blood on the ground.. This image of him keeps hunting me in my dreams, well I call them nightmares nowadays.

All help was too late. He had gone to heaven, where he belonged. After all he was like an angel..

And I'm left here on earth, wishing they shot me instead. I wish I could be with him but will you go to heaven when you kill yourself? I know God isn't a bad man but if he was all that sweet, then why would he let those men kill him? And take away my most precious possession..

I wonder if the guys remember his last words, 'cause I know I do. Right before he got shot he said to us with a huge grin: Tomorrow morning, when you wake up, there will be a surprise waiting for you.

The next day when we came downstairs there was indeed a present waiting for us. He had framed all our highlights since we met each other. It also came with a card. It said:

_ I love you guys,_

_ More than anything in the world!_

But we never got to say 'thank you' to him. We never got to say that we loved him too, with whole our hearts.

I took his picture from under my pillow and looked at it. It is my favorite picture. He was smiling so wide and his eyes were full of innocence. It's the one picture that really showed how he really was. fun, caring, little bit of a fool but most of all beautiful, inside and out.

I smiled at the picture and said: 'it's a risk I'll have to take'

The next morning Dougie was found dead in his room. He had cut his wrists. Next to him there was a note, it said:

_I can't keep living with this pain. Danny was everything to me, he was my world! Living without him seems so pointless.._

_I don't know if I'll go to heaven, but that risk I'm willing to take._

_I'm sorry_

_I love you_


End file.
